I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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