When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
