My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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