I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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