my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize