I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Congratulations! We have a period
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
