you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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