before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
