i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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