I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
