while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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