the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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