She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
