I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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