I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
