apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Blood and glitter go together right?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
