my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize