New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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