____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
