just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
