An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
