I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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