I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
