Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
