no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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