sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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