How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
