Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
