not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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