You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
