theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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