1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize