I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize