Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
