He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
