I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
