After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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