i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
