That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It was confusing and full of hummus
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
