There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
