Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
