I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
