I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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