So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
