Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
