when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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