Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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