Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
