i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
