he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
