You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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