I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
