The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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