the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
