I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
