Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize