remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
