make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
