Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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