i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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